I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
