Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
