I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
