i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
