Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
