Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
