i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
