I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
