found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize