I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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