i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
