get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
