found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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