my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
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