went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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