Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She needs sedatives and a leash
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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