I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
