Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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