When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
