How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
