Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
