grandma shit on top of the toilet
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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