She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize