I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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