i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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