I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
