Got a toothbrush?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
pop tarts are not kleenex
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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