Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
