Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i barfeds in our rink
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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