I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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