Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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