I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
