Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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