I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
