I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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