somebody snuck up and got me drunk
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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