i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
