Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
