dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
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