I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
