So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
she smelled like a LAN party
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize