So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
