Swine flu. Run for my life!
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
