I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
