I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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