I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You smell like stripper and shame
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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