we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
