OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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