moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
How does one acquire holy water?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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