If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
