Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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