my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
