YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
